Meet Meez Inside.

Every week I receive dozens of inquiries about the Meez Squad. It’s a lot to go through, and not just because I have to sift all my junk mail, but also because I want to respond to each earnest message with my full attention. (I know how frustrating it is to NOT get responses to e-mails, so I try my best to be fair.)

Every once in a while, though, I get some straight-up BOGUS Meez Squad e-mails. Sometimes they’re so ridiculous they go straight to my Deleted pile. (After being laughed about with the Meez coworkers, of course.)

The Meez Squad is now nearly 80-strong, so you can take a guess as to how many aspiring Agents did not get into theSquad. By now I have compiled a solid list of reasons to immediately be removed from consideration for the Meez Squad. Take it as a cautionary tale of “DON’Ts,” just as you would a parenting guide authored by Lynne Spears (Postponed, thank goodness). Or, if you’re into getting things done super fast, you can view it as “A Shortcut to the Meez Insider’s Deleted Messages.”

How to NOT get into the Meez Squad

1. WRITE IN ALL CAPS – Internet users all over the world are at fault for this one. Basically, TYPING IN ALL CAPS IS SHOUTING. It’s really annoying (in a Jim Carrey Dumb & Dumber sort of way) and it takes away the whole point of using CAPS for EMPHASIS on only CERTAIN WORDS. See what I did right there? Over-CAPPED. Overdo it and you will be deleted.
2. WRIET 2 ME IN TEXT SP3AK!11!! WTF (Translation made possible by The AOLer Translator) – The Meez Squad’s primary mode of communication is e-mail, conducted in standard American English. We’re looking for reasonably literate people to be on the Meez Squad. You don’t have to be Shakespeare, but I shouldn’t have to look up any slang terms for overdoses of acronyms.
3. Send chain letters. I’ve already been through middle school. I’ve already been hexed about eleventeen hundred times and I’ve recently accepted that I will never find true love. I’m fine with that. The Meez Squad e-mail address is a business e-mail address intended for business only. Spare me the never-ending misfortune of not hitting “Forward.”
4. Be 12 years old or younger. This is what I want to say to underaged Meezers applying to the Meez Squad: “Hello [10/11/12]-year old. Here are our Terms of Service. You are not 13 or older. Good-bye.” If you are under 13 and you write to me about being on the Meez Squad, your account gets deleted. Tough cookies!
5. Fake your parent’s e-mail address. For aspiring Agents under the age of 18, I request an e-mailed form of parental consent for their voluntary participation. I screen each of these parental e-mails (when I get them), and if they get traced to a 17-year old’s profile who is clearly not the father, I disregard the Meezer’s possibility as an Agent.

As you can see, I have to show a lot of tough love to a lot of eager Meezers who are not quite there in terms of becoming a Meez Squad Agent. It’s difficult, but someone’s got to do it! Doing all this quality control has made me appreciate our wonderful Agents even more, though. They’re doing awesome-ly in helping us out at Meez and I am so grateful for that!

If you’ve read this and think you actually have something to add to the Meez Squad, take a look at what we look for. It’s a list of “DOs” as opposed to a list of “DON’Ts.” The main things we look for are on that page, but it’s when we get to e-mailing each other that we really figure out if you’re Meez Squad material or not!

Instructions for learning how to volunteer are at the end of that post. (Yes, being on the Meez Squad also involves being able to follow some directions…)

Do YOU have what it takes?